In Your Shoes
by Duck Life
Summary: Bella and Edward switch roles when a mysterious curse falls upon them. Carlisle must save them before it is too late, and Bella gives into her newfound bloodthirstiness. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

I toyed with my fettuccini, drowning the smooth noodles in tiny rivers of cheese. Edward and I were celebrating and mourning the end of summer at La Bella Italia, the place we frequently referred to as "our restaurant". He, of course, ordered nothing. We were both quiet, as I had just brought up his irritating refusal to turn me into one of him.

"I've said it before, Bella, I will not ruin your life so thoroughly," he said coldly, breaking the silence.

"It's not ruining my life," I countered, looking up from my food. "I'll be with you forever. That's all I want!"

"You will be with me forever," he insisted, reaching for my hand swiftly. I pulled it off the table.

"Not forever for _me_," I argued. "Forever for _everyone._ For everything. I want to be with you until the end of everything." It was difficult and unusual for me to express myself like this, to tell him exactly what I thought, what I wished for. I watched as his eyes filled with sorrow.

"I don't want you to feel that way," he whispered, his voice raspy. "I don't want you to want to become a monster so much," he moaned. He'd obviously heard the yearning in my tone.

"Well, I do," I continued stubbornly. "I really do want to be like you." His face was stoic as he stared at me.

"You don't know how hard it is," he groaned. "It's three days of intense, horrible pain, so awful that you only wish for death, and for what? An eternity of darkness and emptiness, and the pain never leaves your throat. All the time, there's only the burn, nothing else, just pain." His eyes were grave as they watched me. I couldn't help but cringe.

"I don't care," I lied quickly. "I won't think about it. As long as I'm with you, I can't feel pain."

"That's a lie," he scoffed coldly. "I've seen you, writhing in pain even if I'm there, holding your hand. And if I bite you, then all of your pain is my fault. Just like it's always been. Bella, I can't hurt you again."

"Fine!" I cried. "I'll ask Carlisle!"

"No, Bella," he said sternly, standing up and gesturing for me to do the same. He threw a twenty dollar bill on the table, though I knew that my solitary meal had been less than half that. "You will never be a vampire. This discussion is over," he finished in an undertone. I followed him to the door sulkily.

"It's not over until I'm immortal," I said firmly, staring straight ahead. He didn't answer. As we emerged onto the sidewalk, he offered his hand. I ignored it, and he soon pulled it back. He walked beside me. We did not talk or look at each other.

Soon, we encountered an old woman leaning against the wall of a building. She held out a tray of food samples.

"Try our new dessert bread?" she asked croakily. I noticed that the sign above her head read, "Mary Ann's Bakery".

"Sure," I said, reaching out for one of the toothpicks lodged in a piece. She picked it up and handed it to me.

"Yes, thank-you," said Edward, surprising me. The old woman handed him a piece. Edward turned and began to walk away. I followed, being careful not to trip as I hurried to match his quick pace.

"Why did you take it?" I whispered, inclining my head toward him.

"I was just being polite," he murmured back.

"Well, she's still watching," I informed him. "You have to eat it now." I grinned smugly and took a bite of my sample as I watched him nibble off a corner of the bread. I turned away, smirking a bit. However, as I tried to take another bite, his pale, strong hand caught my wrist and he thumbed the bread out of my hand. "What is it?" I asked, startled.

"This bread has blood in it."


	2. Chapter 2

Edward, keeping his grip on my wrist, steered me to his Volvo in a rush. He didn't seem to worry about people watching, other than the fact that he didn't pick me up and run. My heart drummed with fear. I wasn't sure of what to think. An old woman had given us food with actual blood in it. Had she known that Edward was a vampire, or was she just trying to poison people? I couldn't help but notice as we sped along that the woman was gone.

I leaned towards the driver's side of the car, wordlessly requesting comfort from Edward, but he just stared straight ahead, both hands on the steering wheel. He didn't look at me. "Edward?" I asked quietly. He ignored me. "Edward," I said more loudly. He didn't move. "Edward, I'm scared!" I cried. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes. He pulled over on the side of the road and stopped.

"Get in the driver's seat," he said coldly, stepping out of the car.

"What? Edward where-" I began confusedly.

"Drive to my house and tell Carlisle what happened," he told me. Nervously, I crawled across the middle of the car and dropped into the seat.

"Edward, where are you going?" I asked firmly. For once, he looked at me. His eyes were hungry.

"I'll explain later, just go," he answered. He slammed the door and disappeared into the woods. I sat there for a few minutes, letting the tears trickle down my face. I'd see him soon, I told myself before starting the car and driving away.

When I reached Carlisle's house, I saw Alice sitting on the porch, her eyes wide. She ran to the car to meet me. As soon as I got out, she hugged me and pulled me towards the house. "You saw what happened?" I assumed. She nodded hurriedly. "Do you know _what _happened?" I asked, as I was still confused. She frowned.

"I can't, Bella, I can't see her," she whined. "All I see is you and Edward." She stopped suddenly, and turned to me. "I do know one thing, though," she said. "It was your blood in the bread."


	3. Chapter 3

This was insanity. Nothing made sense. How could some random stranger have my blood? Not that I never spilled any of it, but unless she had been following me around and collecting from the wreckage of my countless accidents, I couldn't see how it was possible. The ground swayed before me, and I collapsed into Alice's arms. She half-carried me into the house.

Carlisle and Esme stood in the doorway with worried expressions on their faces. "Where's Edward?" asked Esme.

"He should be home in a few hours," replied Alice softly. I sagged into her shoulders, ready to sink into unconsciousness. It was all too harrowing to take in. With a sudden, blurred blast of air, I was in Edward's room. His gleaming, immaculate gold and black, four-poster bed smiled at me from the middle of the room. It would be soft, and comfortable… I really needed to lie down. I struggled to get out of Alice's firm grip- I could walk the next few feet- but she didn't let go until I was under the covers.

"You should get some rest," she said, her usually wind-chime voice taking a deeper, more ominous tone, like that of a church bell. I shuddered, curling the comforter around me. I yawned. Alice left almost immediately, leaving me alone in my nightmarish apparitions. I closed my eyes, so I wouldn't need to see the door, locked shut- it was silly, and preposterous, but I felt like the locked door was supposed to keep Edward out- but even with my eyes closed, the scene of Edward, getting out of the car, leaving me- his, hardened, blank, and yet excruciating expression as he had said goodbye to me, the cold blackness of his eyes, staring into an unknown, but certainly bleak future. Whatever had happened to us, and whatever curse that accompanied the mysterious dessert bread, had changed our lives forever.

I soon fell into fevered dreams full of odd flashes of light and loud, frightening noises. I felt like a small child at a concert, where everyone towers over you, the blinding lights confuse you, and the music is too loud to determine any meaning, it's just blaring into your head, deeming you incapable of any reasonable thought…

My dreams became darker and quieter after a while. Shadows whispered to each other, peeking in at me through a heavy veil, caressing my forehead, doused in cold sweat, with their cool, ghostly fingers. They faded away, soon enough, and seeped into the general darkness. The silence was deafening. It was a dreamless sleep, in some way, and yet I was all too conscious of it. It was like dreaming about lying in a coffin, sleeping eternally, never waking, never thinking, never moving. My cocoon of sleep kept me safe, calm, and utterly alone.


	4. Chapter 4

I felt like I was staring through a thick wall of ice, my breath fogging up on the misty surface. I felt like I was underwater, alone in murky silence- but all of the water was frozen. Surprisingly, I did not feel cold, I felt calm- peaceful.

With a sudden crack, the ice broke, and my serenity evaporated. The ice chipped away, and I was pulled through the small, rough, jagged hole in the ice. Now I felt cold- bitterly cold. So cold that it hurt. The edges of the ice scratched me, covering me in scrapes and cuts. I felt pain all over me, but the cold was making me forget about the injuries. It was freezing, awful…

And then the cold was gone, replaced with an awful burning sensation. I could feel the flames licking across my bones. I felt my skin searing and peeling. I tried to scream, but only swallowed a mouthful of the terrible flames, scorching my aching teeth and destroying my tongue and gums. The flames traveled towards my throat, choking me- I swallowed, and the burn intensified. Every cell of my body was screaming in agony. I couldn't think- my brain was inflamed. Everything was heat and flame…

Then, through the horror, a fraction of the fire was extinguished. Something cold and calming traced across my surely blackened and charred skin. Thin lines of relief branched across my body. Slowly, I began to feel better. There was still heat, and static, like electric fire was storming through my veins, but the worst of the conflagration was gone.

"What's happening?" asked a familiar, worried voice.

"I don't know, Alice," replied Carlisle. "I really don't know."

**Edward's POV**

I tromped through the darkening forest, infuriated with myself. How could I lose my control like that? The taste, though, it was excruciating. Perhaps it was because I had been caught off guard. I hadn't expected some dry, disgusting human food would be better than anything I'd ever experienced.

I shook myself. That wasn't true. She was Bella, my Bella, and no _flavor _could change how I felt. What I really needed to do was calm down, control myself, and hurry back to my house. She was probably scared. I hated myself for leaving her alone in the car, when clearly something strange was going on. I should have protected her. I felt horrible for deserting her, horrible…

I sighed. If Bella were here, I knew what she would say. "You're not horrible, Edward, you're the most wonderful person I've ever met."

"I'm not a person!" I yelled, scaring off a few birds. In stopped walking, realizing that I had just responded to an imaginary conversation. It was time to go home. I turned and sprinted towards the general direction of the road.

My stomach felt strange. After a minute, I realized that it was nausea. Whatever had been in that bread was strong enough to affect an intestinal system that hadn't moved in almost a century. I would ask Carlisle when I got home. Carlisle would know…Carlisle…

_I saw Bella lying in the forest, broken…her dead eyes stared up at me…the ground was cold and hard, leaves caught in her hair, in my hair… Bella stared up at the empty sky, and I was staring up at the sky…_

I sat up suddenly. I was lying on the ground. When had I fallen? I felt weak- Maybe I needed to hunt. Hunting… blood…

Pain sliced through my crazed thoughts. I twitched, hearing something crackling around me. Dead leaves? Or my own bones? My skin itched all over, but from the inside, like I was wearing an irritating wool sweater… but that didn't make sense. I felt, in horror, my flesh bubbling up and peeling away, like a snake shedding its skin. I clawed frantically at the ground. I felt so vulnerable.

"Bella!" I cried futilely before I was dragged under.

A/N: Edward's POV reads awesomely if you read it while listening to Cyclops Rock by They Might Be Giants… at least, that's how it was when I typed it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Bella's POV**

I opened my eyes. I felt like I was waking abruptly from a horrible nightmare, which did happen frequently, but this time it was different. I could feel it. My only memory was pain, and I wondered then if I was in a hospital. That would make sense, seeing as my doctor was looking down at me. My body also felt strange-my skin felt thick, and hard, like I had a giant callous all over my body. Like I was covered in plaster. This, too, would make sense. I must have been in some sort of accident. I didn't need to ask the doctor to realize that I had amnesia. Worriedly, I searched my thoughts, seeking my last memory. All of them were muddy and unclear, but I was grateful that I hadn't lost them completely. The last dark image that came to mind was of Edward getting out of his car and racing into the woods. I realized that I must have crashed while driving home. I took a shaky breath, and realized that my throat felt like it had been clawed to scraps and lit on fire. I groaned, and the sound of it made me freeze in my thoughts. I felt the atmosphere in whatever room I was in freeze at the same time. Even the swirling dust motes paused. I hadn't expected that a groan would sound so different… in a vampire's wind-chime voice.


	6. Chapter 6

**EPOV**

"Edward!" called a voice. It was a voice I recognized, but with some sort of change. It sounded…lower. More distant. When I rolled over and heard the leaves beneath me crackle, I realized that it was not Carlisle's voice that had changed. The crinkling sound of the dead leaves sounded fainter than I would have expected. Something was weird with my ears. As I examined my surroundings, the tall trees and wet ferns, I noticed, too, that they seemed dull and dim, as if I was staring through a gauzy veil.

I couldn't hear Carlisle approaching, but then I felt his hand on my shoulder. I whipped around, confused, and then I knew, without a doubt, that something was wrong. I could hardly smell him. Just barely, I caught the scent of vampire. Just barely. Carlisle was staring at me, as shocked as I was. Eyes and mouth wide, he sunk to his knees without taking his hand off of my shoulder. His hand was too cold, too hard.

"Edward," he said again. "Oh…my god."

**A/N: While writing this chapter, I realized how easy it would be to make Edward go either suicidal or completely spaz out and become brain damaged and unresponsive. I don't know, I hadn't really planned that. Thoughts? Suggestions? **


	7. Chapter 7

**BELLA'S POV**

"Bella, calm. Stay calm, Bella. Don't panic," soothe Alice. Her hands fluttered across my arms, and they felt strange- warmer, with more give than I would have expected. As if she was human.

Despite Alice's efforts, I felt fear bubble up inside of me- she was no Jasper. What had happened to me? "Alice?" I asked in my strangely melodious voice. "Alice!" I said more urgently, clutching at my neck not only because of the unexplained change in my voice, but because of the sudden scorching bun on the inside of my throat.

"I'm here, I'm here," she replied, sounding desperate.

"Water," I rasped- at least, it felt like I was rasping, but it came out as more of a ring.

"I don't know if that will help," she murmured, handing me a glass of stagnant water. I was alarmed when I realized that I could pick out the particles of dust in the water, and by the brightness of the light reflecting off the clear glass. I hastily gulped the water, and then spit it out immediately, all over Alice.

"Sorry!" I coughed, but she waved my apologies away.

"You need blood."

"What?!" I sputtered, gasping. She sighed and covered my mouth with her hand. I resisted the urge to throw her off.

"This will be easiest if we just get the information over with," she speed-talked. "You weren't bitten; you changed into a vampire-" My eyes widened. "-because of whatever was in that bread. It doesn't make sense. Carlisle tracked Edward down- he's downstairs- and he-Edward is… he's _human_." I gaped at her from behind the cover of her palm. She glanced down and drew her hand away.

"I'm a vampire…" I marveled, looking down to examine my body. As I sat up, I stiffened. So did Alice. Edward…human…_blood_… And Alice forced me through the window, taking advantage of my surprise. I tried not to fight her as she ran with me into the forest, but it was difficult. When we stopped far away from the house, I could definitely see signs of a struggle on her. I was sobbing, though of course I didn't weep. Of course.

"I was going to _kill _him," I gasped. "I _wanted _to." Alice was patting my shoulder soothingly while still restraining me. "Alice, you have to take me far away from here, to _kill _me, Alice, please, I don't want to hurt him." To my surprise, she was smirking slightly. "What?" I yelped.

"You're such a hypocrite," she answered, shaking her head.

"What?" I asked incredulously.

"You get mad at Edward for being over-protective and leaving you, and now you're planning the same thing." She paused for a moment while her eyes glazed over. "Well," she amended, returning to the present, "Not exactly planning it. I suppose you're just desperate. I'm surprised, though," she added, assessing me. "Most newborns would be running back there."

"Newborn?" I repeated, raising my eyebrows.

"I guess," she said, shrugging her shoulders. "Nothing like this has ever happened before. Your eyes are red, though."

"They are?" I shrieked, whirling around as if mirrors were implanted in the surrounding trees. Then, I turned to face Alice again. "I'm confused." What an understatement. "Why are you acting so nonchalant? I mean, I turned into a vampire without being bitten." She nodded.

"It is," she acknowledged, "but Carlisle thinks that, if we really think about it, it's _possible_. And people have turned into vampires before. It's just…"

"What?" I pried.

"Nobody's ever turned back into a human after becoming a vampire." She was serious now, and worried. "He's not taking it very well."


	8. Author's Note

**A/N: I've been having trouble writing the next chapter, and I just figured out why. When I began this story, I had all these COMEDY scenes planned for this part, but the story is now thouroughly dramatic. Would you all hate me if I made the rest of the story more humorous than dramatic?**


	9. Chapter 8

**EDWARD'S POV**

I tried to sit on the couch, but its material was too rough. It scratched my skin. However, when I stood up, my feet ached like I was supporting a couple hundred tons on my shoulders. I tried lying on the floor, but the carpet was prickly and sharp, a thousand needles poking me. I was surprised when I saw no blood. As Jasper entered the room, I hurriedly returned to my spot on the couch and tried not to touch the material too much. My clothing chafed and raked across my body painfully every time I moved. He must have seen me grimacing, because he rushed forward (his movements blurred and difficult to follow) and looked at me almost helplessly, trying to figure out how to help me.

"This must be how Bella feels," I groaned, launching my sore throat into immense pain. It hurt to talk. I could feel my vocal cords straining as if they would snap at any moment.

"I don't think so," Jasper said, perching on the other end of the couch. He looked so _different_. His scars seemed to have evaporated, making him seem much less terrifying than he had when I'd first met him. "Bella's always been human, so she's used to it. But remember how you first felt when you turned? Like you'd been blind your entire life?" I nodded rather than speak, but it sent spasms of pain down my neck and spine. "Well, now you know what it's like to be more… evolved. It's like… devolution."

It seemed to make sense, but I wondered if the extra sensitivity would ever go away. It seemed the opposite effect I'd have expected of becoming a human again. Weren't nervous systems of lesser beings than vampires supposed to be much weaker? I would expect to feel numb, but never _more _sensitive to texture. However, as a vampire I hadn't been able to acknowledge scratchiness with my strong skin. I was sure that Bella didn't get this irritated on the couch.

"Good news," said Carlisle, coming into the room. I was shocked- I hadn't heard him at all. It was strange, realizing how little humans could hear- or see, for that matter. Everything still had the quality that I was looking through mud-stained glasses. "I've been developing a theory for the past hour or so." He was in full "Dr. Cullen mode" now. "I'm fairly certain that you'll become accustomed to the change pretty soon."

"No," I said, but surprisingly what he'd said was already manifesting itself. This second vocalization hurt me much less than the first had. "No, you need to bite me. Just bite me again, I can't stand being human."

"Worse than going through the burning now that you _know _what it feels like?" whispered Jasper, and I shuddered, amazed that I had momentarily forgotten the blazing. Humanity was changing me fast.

"Well I can't stay human forever!" I cried, but it was half-heartedly. I was working things out, coming ot a realization myself. If I was human…

"Bella," I murmured in fascination. "I'm human now! I can be human! We can be human together!" Carlisle, strangely, seemed not to share my joy.

"How ironic," Jasper was laughing, "you miraculously become human, and Bella turns into a vampire! It's like in that book, the Gift of the Ma-"

I was staring at him coldly. "What?" I asked, sounding a thousand times calmer than I felt.

"Did we not tell you that before?" Jasper said. Carlisle was shaking his head. "Oh! Uh, no, I didn't say anything, that was your human hearing acting up. Coming, Esme!" As he stood, I leapt at him, angry at the world. I wanted to hit something, to tear somebody's arm off… _Bella was a vampire_.

However, I had again miscalculated my humanity. Jasper was across the room while I was still in the air. I collapsed on the couch, knocking the air that I know desperately needed out of my lungs.

Lying in pain on my belly, I had a clear view of the back door. I saw it creak open, and Alice entered, followed by a pale and beautiful vampire I instantly recognized as Bella. However, I couldn't examine her for too long before she leapt at me, looking ferocious. I felt her cold, painfully strong hands grip my forearms, her mouth at my neck, and then everything faded to black.

**A/N: The Gift of the Ma- WHAT? Who knows their classical literature? First to review with the correct title gets a shout-out!**


	10. Chapter 9

**BELLA'S POV**

_The slash in my wrist was seeping blood. It felt tinged with acid, surrounded by a bracelet of barbed fire. The burning was quickly traveling up my arm. I whimpered- it was the most pain I'd felt in my entire life. I wanted it to end. I wanted to die, and be done with it. _

_ And then, a flash of sharper pain, and my arm began to feel numb. I felt Edward's cool hand gripping my forearm, and his smooth teeth rimming the bite. His lips, like stones against my skin, were puckering, drawing the blood up into his mouth. He'd opened the wound even more, and blood was gushing out. He caught every drop. _

_ My arm was cold, and the burning was entirely gone now, but still he drank. He straightened, trying to pull himself away, but he carried my arm with him, holding it under his chin. His eyes were tortured, and he had put an arm behind him on the floor, trying to drag himself away. Instead, his grip on my arm tightened, and he slurped deeper, violently, trying to stop, trying, trying._

Now, finally, I knew exactly how he'd felt.

Edward's blood was amazing, slicking down my throat deliciously. I wondered detachedly if he could be my singer, as I was his. He was entirely relaxed, not trying to fight. I took advantage of that, pushing him back and burrowing into his neck, suctioning with my mouth. Blood was spilling into my mouth, but I wanted more, more. It poured down my throat, its savory wonder sparking each taste bud it flowed over.

This had to be stronger than what Edward had felt when he'd drank from me a year ago. His blood wasn't tainted with venom, and he hadn't been a parched newborn. I sipped the blood, drawing heavily from the unmoving human. I held it tighter, sucking from its neck for more blood, always more blood.

Alice was screaming. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. "Alice, don't," Carlisle commanded sharply. "It's the only thing she cares about." His voice was so cold, so cruel, that for a moment, I paused. The human's neck was still at my lips, and I could feel its blood pooling in my mouth, but I had stopped deliberately sipping. "She only wants one thing, and it'll always be that way," Carlisle continued. "An endless bloodbath, always killing, always drinking. It's her idea of paradise." I actually lifted my head from the human's neck, but didn't loosen my grip. "Alice, she isn't human anymore. You have to understand that. She's just another bloodthirsty vampire holding the most important thing in the world: a human to drain. Just a container for blood. You have to understand, she doesn't see him as _Edward _anymore. He's an inanimate object. A snack bar." He laughed harshly. "A corpse."

"_No!" _ I didn't realize at first that the strangled cry had come from me, nor did I know how I'd gotten from the couch, holding down the human- _Edward_- to the middle of the living room, gripping Carlisle's sleeve. "No, please, no, Carlisle, he's not, he isn't, he can't be, no, NO!" He looked down at me. I'd sunk to the floor, and I was pleading, hanging onto his pants leg as if the dark khaki could pull me out of the void of misery I'd fallen into. His stare was clinical, uninterested.

"I was wondering if you were going to stop."

"Carlisle," I whispered. "Please. Please, no. It's my fault, all mine, and I- and he's… _please_." Carlisle's face was expressionless. He said nothing for a long time, and the silence stretched for eternity. I knew what I'd done, could feel it deep in the pit of my stomach, the awful guilt slithering around with the blood I'd desired so much, that roiled within me now.

"He'll live," he said finally. "I might even be able to suck the venom out. Unless you'd like to do it?"

"No!" I shrieked. "Carlisle-"

"I know," he said. His patient kindness had returned, and he pulled me up from the floor into a standing position. "Bella, I'm sorry I hurt you, and I'm sorry that I was trying to. It's actually the same speech I used on Edward, right before he left me to try out a different lifestyle." He sighed. "It worked better on you." Carlisle left me, after patting my shoulder affectionately, to sit next to Edward on the couch. He was still frozen, unmoving. Blood was trickling down his neck. I tried to look away, and found myself staring at his eyes. They met mine, and I realized that his were shining with unshed tears.

"I'm sorry," I mouthed, unable to combine all the horror and hatred I had for myself and for what I'd done into those two words.

"I know," he replied silently. I turned away, feeling nauseous.

"Son," said Carlisle, "it's decision time. You said you wanted to be a vampire again, but you know what the Change feels like this time. Do you want me to let the venom do its work, or do you want me to get it out?"

"Human or vampire…" murmured Edward. I thought it was odd that the burning seemed not to be affecting him, or perhaps he was just good at containing it. I remembered watching him suffer Jane's torture without making a noise.

"You have to choose fast," warned Carlisle, "or your blood will choose for you."

"Human!" I cried suddenly. "He hates being a vampire, keep him human, please," I begged. "And he would be in pain. You have to stop the pain." Carlisle was looking at me funny.

"Human," Edward panted. "I want to stay human."

"Is that what you want, or what she wants?" Carlisle asked.

Edward stared at him, seeming suddenly as if the burning and the blood did not bother him. With absolute clarity, he said, "Honestly, Carlisle, I can't see that there's very much of a difference anymore." Tight-lipped, Carlisle nodded and leaned forward. I backed away, knowing that the smell of his blood was about to hit me again. Holding my breath, I edged toward the back door. I felt Alice grab my elbow.

"Come on, Bella," she whispered. I nodded, letting her lead me outside. I hated that I could still taste his blood on my lips, and that the flavor still filled me with black joy.

"You can't call me that anymore," I said bleakly, hearing the emptiness in my voice. "I'm not her. She was a human who had feelings and who still had the capacity to love, and now she's dead. I'm… I don't even know. I'm a monster. I'm a demon."

"Bella-"

"No! You heard what Carlisle said. I'm evil, soulless, and all I care about and all I'll ever care about is blood. If I could do that to Edward- if I didn't even care if he was dead…" Alice suddenly threw her arms around me and hugged me. "Thanks," I said when she was done.

"No problem," she shrugged, walking me away from the house. "It's a gift. I know the future and I know when someone needs a hug." I laughed as we left the house, inside which Carlisle was returning Edward his newfound humanity.


	11. Chapter 10

**EPOV**

"Relax," said Carlisle. I inhaled deeply and leaned back into the couch, extending my neck so the wound was more accessible. He bent down, and I felt his lips, colder than I would have expected, press against the edges of the bite, and then he began to pull. It stung a bit, but the scorching flare in my neck was quickly diminishing.

"Why did you have to do that to Bella?" I demanded, trying not to concentrate on the sucking. He glanced up at me meaningfully without moving away from my neck, but said nothing. "Carlisle." Looking shaken, he straightened up and wiped his mouth.

"You can't read my mind," he pondered.

"Yes," I agreed. "It's finally quiet inside my head."

"Interesting."

"You're ignoring my question."

"Not ignoring," he contradicted, "just postponing. Let me get the rest of the venom out, then we'll talk." He returned to my neck and continued to drink. I faintly heard footsteps, and then Jasper strolled into the room.

"Hey, Doc," he said, collapsing onto the other end of the couch, "let me have a sip."

"You're extraordinarily callous today," I pointed out. He shrugged. Suddenly, I noticed something strange. Jasper's posture was normal, his expression casual. At Bella's awful eighteenth birthday party, he'd attacked her over a paper cut. I was bleeding everywhere, and he seemed not to care. "Why aren't you trying to attack me?"

"What, and get Carlisle's emotionally scarring 'you're a monster' speech?" he laughed. "Besides, I just hunted yesterday."

To my relief, Carlisle seemed to be finished with my blood. He sat up and looked sternly at Jasper. "It is not emotionally scarring."

"It was!" I cried. "Did you see her face? She looked worse than I felt when… when I thought she'd killed herself. When Rosalie told me she was dead." I cringed.

"She would have killed you," he replied simply.

"I don't care!" I yelled. "Death would have been preferable to watching her scream like that, to hearing her pleading."

"And if I hadn't stopped her, she would have done that and worse when she was finished, and realized what she'd done. The only difference would be that you'd be selfishly not watching."

"That wasn't the only way to get her to stop," I scowled. "You could have pulled her away."

"So she would resent me and possibly hurt you worse?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You could have reminded her of who she is, instead of convincing her that she is what she's afraid she might become." My throat felt raspy, and I realized that fresh tears were pooling in my eyes. I was painfully reminded of the last time I'd been this angry at Carlisle.

_It was late, and the air was saturated with warmth and flavor. I'd rushed home, and slammed the door to encounter my adoptive parents staring at me worriedly. _

"_Hello, Edward." Esme, always cordial. I ignored her._

"_I can't do it anymore, Carlisle," I gasped. "I can't do this, it's lying. I'm lying to myself."_

"_Then go," he said emotionlessly. Esme looked on him in shock. "Go," he continued, "and drink to your heart's delight. Drink and drain until you smell like blood and it towers inside of you and spills up your throat."_

"_Blood," I moaned, licking my lips. _

"_Edward, please stay," begged Esme._

"_Forget it," Carlisle sneered. "It's the only thing he cares about now. It's all he wants, a life of death and desire. It's his idea of paradise. He isn't human anymore. He's no better than the disease that killed his mother."_

"_No," I whispered._

"_She's dead, Edward. And think, what a waste, that we buried her whole. She had the most exquisite scent…"_

"_No!" I yelled, rushing forward and grabbing his arm. I was younger than he, and I saw him wince as I gripped his forearm tighter. He glared down at me with steely eyes._

"_It's your choice."_

"_Carlisle," whimpered Esme._

"_Let him choose."_

"_It's not what I want," I said forcefully, inches from his face, "it's who I am. I'm through pretending and acting differently."_

"_If refusing to rob innocent lives is 'acting,' to you, then leave, Edward. That's who you are." I released him and backed toward the door, my hand on the knob. "You are your mother's son." I opened the door and put one foot outside on the concrete. "But never mine." I slammed the door and disappeared into the delicious night._

I remembered how I'd felt then- raw, torn apart inside. Like everything I was had been denied, like I deserved to be hated. Watching Carlisle make Bella feel like that, knowing what her tortured expression meant, I felt bile rise in my throat.

"And who would remind her the next time? And the time after that?" he wondered. "It's called psychology. People will always remember what hurt them the most."

"You lied to her, you told her I was dead!" I accused. "I know what that feels like. _Jasper _knows exactly how she felt." Carlisle winced visibly, and I assumed that Jasper was tweaking his emotions to illustrate my point.

"You've lied to those you love to protect them," Carlisle said in a low tone. I felt a stab of pain and tumultuous guilt in my newly beating heart.

"Just because I made the biggest mistake of my life, of many lifetimes, it doesn't give you an excuse to do the same." I was shaking. "Do you even know what that feels like? It tears you apart inside. It _is _worse than dying."

"Why didn't you move?" Jasper said suddenly.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you weren't trying to fight back when Bella attacked you," he explained. "It didn't even seem like the venom was bothering you. Why weren't you trying to get away from her?"

"Because," I sighed, "it made her happy."

"Edward." Carlisle's voice was commanding, but it wavered strangely. He'd put a hand on my arm. "Don't ever think that."

"I want her to be as happy as possible. If-"

"No," he said firmly. "Yes, there is a part of her that craves your blood, and you know what that feels like. But it is only a part. If you allowed her to drink from you, she would believe she felt ecstatic, if only for a moment. But once she realizes what she's done, what you let her do, it would shatter her. You have to promise me that you won't let her bite you again. If she kills you, it would kill her soul, and it would be _all your fault_."

"I promise," I agreed solemnly.

"You have to realize," he said, "she is Bella- don't forget that. But she's different. She's not a mere human, and you are much weaker than you were. As horrified as she is of hurting you, she could always-"

"No." I had risen to my feet. I could feel the blood thudding angrily in my ears. "I didn't believe it when you told her and I don't believe it now." I stormed to the door.

I'd forgotten how much faster they were than me, and I was surprised when Jasper materialized in front of me. "Where are you going?" he whispered, but I knew that Carlisle could hear.

"Into the jaws of the beast," I snarled with as much malice as possible. I slammed the door and disappeared into the devastating night.

**A/N: I'm really not liking Carlisle. He's been kind of a jerk for the past two chapters. I think the next chapter will be his POV, just to redeem his character. Or do you all love to hate him? Any ideas?**  
**Also, for some reason I kept fixating on Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper having a conversation, and the phrase "A doctor, a vampire, and a pianist walk into a bar…" It's weird, I thought I'd mention it in the AN. **


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